Wednesday, February 02, 2005
eruPtiNg voLcaNo...
If there's some thing I'm weak at, I'd say it would be handling emotions. Fortunately, it still has not led me to any psychological problems, but it is this surge of feelings that sometimes brings me into trouble.
I refuse to talk to some of my seatmates in class. Not that I'm angry at them or anything. I don't have halitosis ha. The reason's plain and simple. I don't like them. That's it. The moment I see them, my blood boils. Ok...that's an overstatement. I think that's pretty usual naman. I dunno if it's an instinct of some sort. I think they notice it sometimes...especially when I start looking at them from head to foot. It's a new habit of mine...and I don't really like it.
I often get irritated lately...sometimes, to the point of hating a person. The problem is, I seldom clear things up with the concerned people. I just keep the anger to myself. It's dangerous. You never know when the volcano would be erupting. If it's called self-control well, I may as well be called the master. Parang ang plastic tuloy ng pakikitungo ko sa tao. I just don't want to injure or severe any relationship I have with people by telling to them the truth. It's not that easy confessing to them what I feel about them. Go try...
In time for Valentine's day this February, I better tell you my feelings regarding love...particularly the boy-girl type of love. You get what I mean? My sister tells me I'm afraid of guys. Love-phobic ba? Love is something I surely don't know how to deal with. I've been trying to find any repressed situations which could best serve as reasons for not being able to deal with love properly. I've been telling myself that I'll fall in love with someone who has first become my friend. But, I'm afraid of destroying friendships out of love.
Remember my guy friend who texted me "I love you" in Finnish and Berber? We finally settled matters. He meant to say "I love you" as a friend. I dunno if I was relieved or what. Tama naman diba? I mean, it's just proper to settle things for now. I've had friends who had problems with the combination of friendship and love. More than anything else, I'm scared of losing friendship. Friendship seems safer and definite. Love is riskier and uncertain. Nakakainis naman kasi. Tama namang magduda ako sa sinabi niya diba? First of all, we're both heterosexuals and saying "I love you" with each other could mean different things. Second, we're both adults. "I love you" is such a powerful term for me now. See...I'm trying to rationalize here. I don't want to psychoanalyze things. Being too analytic can turn out to be more confusing. I've proven that a lot of times. Awfully, a lot times.
| nadZ went splisha-splashing at 1:32 am
