Tuesday, January 20, 2009
thinking out loud.
I haven't blogged for the longest time, but I just had to let this one out.I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.
I realized that I am one of the least argumentative person I know of and one to complain less of things...and it's not because I don't care at all.
I do care.
I care even about the simplest things. The dirt on my shoe. The smell of the nearest garbage can. The wisps of hair brushing on my face from my fellow jeepney passenger. The very audible ipod music which should be heard by my seatmate alone (so why am I still hearing it?).
It's just that there are a lot of things worth noting other than those simple things I see or encounter everyday. Perhaps I've seen worse or have imagined worst things. I'm not exactly sure. Or perhaps I've come to realize that some things just won't change.
Say for example, I may agree on you if you tell me that the patients at the ward smell bad, but don't expect me to be the first one to suggest that. I've entered med school with the expectation of smelling or seeing the worst. *So for those telling me the same things over and over again, you know my thoughts on this one already.*
Maybe I'm just too tired of putting forth an opinion. However, no matter how much I "seem" to agree on some things or stay quiet in the midst of an "intellectual" discussion, my head's going crazy with all the arguments or opinions I have decided to keep to myself. Only the trustworthy ones get to hear them out. Sometimes, it's because my mouth can't really keep up with what's in my head (or vice versa). My fault.
Or perhaps I have been trained do so.
When I was in grade school (not that I'm boasting here), I have earned the status of being the "top" student in class. And as I believe, the teachers have seen enough of my hand during recitations. I have personally decided to let the others answer the questions. The teacher just calls on me if no one else can answer. Probably, I've imbibed the same thing up to present...don't expect me to talk unless you call on me...or something like that.
Sometimes, I've grown tired of this game. I can never count the times I have wished to have raised out my hand or say my thoughts out loud. Regretfully too many times. But past is past. I am one to easily move on forward.
Most of the time, I see myself as the person who'd always try to see the silver lining in every situation. If there's something wrong, why not try to change it yourself? Just like awhile ago, the pesto tasted bland. Instead of calling the waiter's attention, I just added a dash of salt to the food. When a fellow fx passenger complained of the crowded seating (4 per row as it was always), I even felt irritated of her. It has always been like that. I was almost tempted to say to her to change fx if she wanted to.
I'm not exactly sure if what I'm experiencing is a surge of independence.
Or perhaps I've grown to respect other people's opinions like that of my own and I'd rather hear them listen and rant rather than share my thoughts or boggle their minds more. Or perhaps I'm just too scared that they won't respect my thoughts as much as I've respected theirs. I'm clearly an opinionated person if you see through my head.
I hope you don't get me wrong here though. I am not always agreeable. It's just that I find myself saying more "yeses" most of the time and complaining "less". I'm afraid to be mean and to sound stupid.
Oh well...let's see by "next time" if my thoughts on things change. If speaking up is "always" more rewarding.
I clearly am trying to be my own psychiatrist here. Haha. =p
Time to shift back to "aral" mode.
| nadZ went splisha-splashing at 1:33 am
